tl;dr: Wife has pathological inability to admit when she is wrong or apologise and said I need to see a therapist for wanting to hear her admit fault sometimes. The latter, you may not think is needed, but it isnt as it sounds here at the outset. Not right. You are owed the most sincere apology and explanation ever. A best-case scenario would be for men to try and understand whats behind their wives inability to say they are wrong WHILE the woman works on being better able to acknowledge her weakness in this area. I wish you could have entrusted me enough to open up in a fashion. The men married to these women are not perfect either, and they need to look inward at their own weaknesses to prevent themselves from falling into aMr. Scan this QR code to download the app now. If your friend loses yet another job because she refuses to see that she should not be given special treatment because of her propensity to sleep late, let her suffer the consequences without feeling obliged to nod and agree when she says, "All bosses are jerks.". (Too much of a good thing seemed to be happening.) The romantic relationship is the arena in which almost every one of us has experienced this very same sense of paranoia. Those who suffer from the disorder have very severe problems that go way beyond the behaviors within romantic relationships. Is there anything I can do to get resolution when I feel it is needed without it leading into more resentment? When we find that we are enamored of another and we fear or suspect they might not be as enamored of us, our imagination often takes off. Ultimately, if you feel my husband acts like he thinks . It is all about theStanding your ground, and dont back downtype of attitude. I have lost my temper in simple discussions with her because of the vague answers and non-committal statements and word salad and she just stands up, throws my coffee down the drain and walks out. Although these are the most common reasons that people refuse to give apologies when they are needed, the woman with BPD does not suffer from hard-heartedness. Archived post. The answer to this question lies in a combination of character traits that cause her to act out with those she is close to. Note that many women will work on anger and yelling, especially if it is witnessed by the kids, more readily than they will work on being able to admit they forgot something. Our behavior is a huge part of who we are. In fact, quite the opposite. This means she can admit her fault andnot be afraid of your actions. My heart just dies. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This means I cannot have her in my life, Ive worked to hard to go backwards. But because we are rarely in that state of mind we have time to develop an awareness of others. Unless a parent is specifically trained in how to offer special care to their child, the necessary training that all parents give their children that teaches them to regulate or control their emotions will not be enough. For example, lets take the kind of apology we give when we invade someones personal space. I know she loves me, and has never been unfaithful, but something always felt a little off about her, like she is hiding something in her past from me that may be at the root of the problem. Why? You will probably be able to get an apology from them after they make the connection that they were wrong. 2 weeks later I attempted my own apology and compliments to her. What are the insecurities behind her behavior? Only when you imagine what it would be like to have your emotions completely rule your love life can you comprehend how a person could be head over heels in love one moment and then completely without emotion for them the next. Yes, there is hope for those with BPD to fully recover. Although the second personality characteristic of high emotionality is not the actual cause of the inability to admit wrongdoing, it is a fan to the flames of fear of negative judgment. I had become disgusting indeed in a way. Reading and thinking has helped me lots so far. Ive had it. It took me less than two weeks after our first letter exchange to reveal my feelings, and she told she was in love too so it sounded like a miracle. Need advice about your marriage? I suspect, given the titles youve read, and explored, you too experienced great difficulties in your life; prior to the ones I triggered/caused for you. (I believe she may have been raped. Are you sure about that? Because we are insecure around our social connections to others, the withholding of an apology can feel very threatening to our relationships. So since I felt guilty both for lies and living at his place, I agreed to everything she did to me. Charming and engaging. If you are truly deeply unhappy and your wife refuses to admit her wrongs and they are mounting about important things, like not admittingshe treats you and/or the kids poorly, versus forgetting the trash, then you need your own therapy to figure out whether to stay or go. What do I do here? The reason we do not recognize the behaviors of a woman with BPD as stemming from common female traits is because they are in a more extreme form. My wife and I sometimes get into arguments. Well, in any case I decided that I know her well enough to trust my darkest secrets. Many women struggle with admitting they are wrong, and instead of this being a narcissistic issue (although certainly sometimes it is), it really stems from massive insecurity and low self-esteem. Instead she'll list 100 reasons or wasn't her fault. When a person who won't admit to having faults makes a poor decision as a result of not taking her failings into account, don't get swept up in the drama. This time ive had enough stood my ground and told her its finished for good and im breaking this cycle for me and my sons. All of these factors create the very sad situation you are in right now for their family members. I cant expect that it was easy to do. Need help with your relationship? However after a couple of days she called me and told me that she would have forgiven and that she loves me too much to drop me. The reasons were more and more absurd like me flirting with one of her exes I had met or, just the opposite, not communicating with people (I know some words in her native language but not enough to talk to her folks if they do not speak English). I am also the first to admit if I make a mistake or if I did something wrong, usually even if I am only 90% that I could have made a mistake I apologise for the possibility I might have been wrong. It seems to me (especially after reading this article) that bpd is a compulsion with protecting ones self. But few of us really understand what is behind this commonly-used formality. Be honest. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Both emotions will seem completely real. My wife won't admit she is cheating! - relationship advice - Dear Cupid Of course, constantly criticizing someone is not good because it can always lead to an argument. When I say admitted, I called her bluff for the second time and she finally admitted what I thought had happened. However, although our genetic blueprints may shape our behavior patterns, they do not determine our fate. The anger is from, in my case, the repeated dismissals of my complaints refereeing her inexcusable rude behavior that belies her selfishness and pride. Dr.SamanthaRodmanWhiten, akaDr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologistin private practiceand the founder ofDrPsychMom. The question that is being asked is Why cant a woman say that she is sorry when she is wrong and why cant she admit she is wrong? Protect your own happiness, says Raghunathan. She may not be apologizing because she feels youre insincere when you apologize, or she is afraid to admit fault or is unable to see the error in her ways. She does not at that moment care about making things right with you. Once you are aware of her love languages, you may notice that she shows remorse through her actions instead of her words. Then she stopped the car, slammed the door and went away. But what is done is done. Women On The Spectrum of BPD: Did She Really Love Me? It really happened and I still feel guilty about it but I have had a super traumatic childhood and only recently I have learnt to be honest about it if asked. 3 months later, I made the fatal error of trying to apologize to her. Now, we are not in the courtroom, so someone needs to confess to reduce his guilt. The behaviors that I write about occur only in romantic relationships and most often in women who do not qualify for the diagnosis. If Im lucky to get an apology its usually issued with a bitter and spiteful tone which leaves one feeling like youre an overbearing idiot and it is always followed with a condition. I was a work-in-progress, but barely. There are many women with this combination of traits who have taken a different road. If you're worried about your relationship. So if youre the bigger person in this situation, you are modeling love and acceptance for your kids. 5 Reasons Why Some People Will Never Say Sorry This goes for men too. Well, at some point I learnt she really does not remember what has happened. For more information, please see our Create the space for her to comfortably express her perspective and be open to her giving an apology. Women are simply too moral to cheat then disappear inside themselves and live a life of emotional pain and drudgery. I became anxious about it because Im a generally anxious person and she knows that. Took some time till she came back and told she would never marry me because I were a shit. Do we lose them during a bpd rage? Depending on how fragile she is emotionally, she may or may not be able to admit even to herself that she is wrong, and certainly will not admit it if she feels she is being attacked. It was self-sabotaged at its finest. Initially her fear of negative judgment will cause her to become very afraid and suspicious. 4 Reasons She May Not Submit to You - BlackandMarriedWithKids.com It is advisable that you have an open conversation with your wife, explaining to her how you feel so you can better understand her perspective. All my behaviors over the last few weeks which were normal and banter we had had, were not brought up as abuse against her and attacks on her not behavior of a gentlemen or a decent man. Lets explore potential reasons why your wife never apologizes for anything and how you can go about resolving this or coping with it. Confront him privately, and stick to the facts, says psychologist Clay Tucker-Ladd in an April 2008 article on PsychCentral.com. Once she even pushed me so that I fell on the floor. 1. She seemed to care.). Although I do not feel ready for anything serious yet. Thank you for a valuable insight! They feel that any misstep could push their partner away. Maybeshe starts yelling at you, orshe is even aggressivein extreme cases? By Samantha Rodman Whiten Written on Jan 13, 2023. 5 Reasons A Narcissist Will Never Admit They're Wrong This feeling of being threatened is another aspect of our natural insecurity. Her father was a local attorney. But they are very immature when it comes to morality and ethics, what we call having a good conscience. For those of us without BPD, apologizes have very little to do with reassurance. I have had to wait 6 months for an admission of fault and then still no apology. * I drove off to Kansas crying with a book she just gave me (Legacy of the Heart, Wayne Muller)we both lived in Indy. The character trait that keeps a woman with traits of BPD from admitting to wrongdoing is actually an extreme sensitivity to the negative judgment of others. I became anxious about it because I'm a generally anxious person and she knows that. But it is time to set this moment aside. Absolute rubbish. Naturally I need time apart to calm down and process my anger, then I get accused of abandoning her and her daughter, not loving the anymore and having moved on. I tell her I sometimes need verbal confirmation (I have tears in my eyes from distress when I say this and she says why are you crying, I respond with saying that it shouldnt matter if I am crying when are discussing something). Someone who is unable to recognize that he has behaviors that are problematic for other people -- as we all do -- has a great deal of work to do in order to be emotionally healthy. Other women cannot admit they are wrong because they have tendencies towardBorderline Personality Disorder. She filed a restraining order unbeknownst to me. Although we have been talking about the downsides of the trait of sensitivity to negative judgment, we will actually find that those who possess only this trait of the BPD cluster often do just fine out in the world. But admitting weakness is so scary to these individuals that they cannot see the forest for the trees. You may be starting to realize that all this talk about insecurity and triggers which you may have assumed was connected to the woman with traits of BPDs problems is equally at play in our own responses to these individuals. This conviction may have been with her for so long that she can hardly think otherwise. Keep the good work, it is brilliant! Thanks for sharing your story. Without any specialized instruction for how to get by with her extreme sensitivities, she often makes the decision, either consciously or unconsciously, to block out the pain caused by her oversensitivity. Criticizing, playing victim, and using her mistakes against her, are all serious signs that you are to blame for how she is. It also signals that you are offended by her behavior. Female Anger In Relationships Why Is She Always Mad At Me? Those who treat the condition must use kid gloves through the therapeutic process in order to avoid flooding them with self-hatred. Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-The Defense Mechanism of Projection. If there are no other severe symptoms in the relationship, she probably does not have the actual disorder. and our You should be asafe haven for your wifeso that she can freely be vulnerable in front of you. In this blog post we are going to take a look at what is really behind this painful behavior pattern in women with traits of BPD. General dissatisfaction with life? Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. In reality her defenses are the same ones that we all use from time to time to avoid our own feelings of shame and guilt. Then proposed again. I apologized and asked her to calm down, and then she drove into the opposite lane where another car was approaching, took her hands off the wheel and told she had decided to let go. Ive been mourning the loss of this relationship like a death, its very sad for me. Instead, say, "You've worked hard this week, why don't we splurge on a plumber? Which adds even more complexity to this abridged version. Lets now turn to a second characteristic that is also part of the cluster of behaviors often associated with BPD. The fight doesnt end though. Along with loss of emotional inhibitions, we also become somewhat deluded into believing that everything we are feeling is in line with reality. I actually understood her point I recognized my mistake and was ready to let her go. If she is rejection sensitive, any comment will feel like an attack. Its very difficult for men to understand the subtle difference in emotionality between the average man and woman. What to Do When Your Wife is Dead Wrong and You Know It (I was an industrial engineer.) Because first of all its not polite to be late, and secondly you dont want everyone waiting for you all the time. I literally had to beg for forgiveness and the conversation just went round in circles going from one of my so called crimes against her to another then another. Does it have to do with social intelligence, are they not taught how to control emotions and to be accountable for the abusive things they say and do? Her inability to acknowledge this when called out reassert the same. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Cultivate compassion for the person. Talk to random strangers on the internet about it here. The answer to the question of why we need the formality of an apology lies in an all too human character trait that most of us share but few of us are aware of. Apologies are our go-to method for moving past these minor indiscretions. Advice: The Things My Wife and Her Lover Did | Psychology Today In other words, even people who have sound self esteem will care too much about what their peers may think about them. What I would like to ask is, is there hope people with BPD to recover fully? These individuals cannot tolerate feelings of guilt. I was self-sabotaging and felt like an imposter. Its more about valuing your partner and accepting and learning from your mistake, so that marriage can grow. For some reason human beings do not seem to be able to tolerate humiliation. If your wife refuses to work on her anger issues or calls you names or anything like this, you need couples counseling right away and/or toreconsider the future of this relationship. 50 years of feminism is what did it. Many of us may think we know the reason that those who cause us pain or harm should apologize. There is usually a deeper reason behind not admitting guilt, so lets see what those reasons are. Thereafter, mass emails to explain myself and how all of this went about. Is bpd a true psychological condition? Whenever she was in stress or tired or in a bad mood, she broke up after setting a huge fight about something absurd, sometimes even in public. But those who discover they can take the easy route to escape from their painful sensitivities by using defensive maneuvers may find it very difficult to let go of them for long enough to do the hard work it takes to overcome these challenges. It is a necessary part of romantic connection. Lastly, I wish you well. Shame may be an emotion she is unable to cope with, causing her to avoid apologizing so that she doesnt experience feeling shameful. At times I just wanted it to end and asked her to leave me if she hates me so much but after each breakup she came back as if nothing had happened. That's the start, here's a bit of our background. You may be the bigger person but that doesnt mean youre a doormat. This may be causing her to hold back her apologies because she does not feel that you offer her genuine apologies when youre in the wrong. No, the reason women are incapable of accepting accountability is because they never build CHARACTER nor ever mature emotionally and mentally beyond the age of 16. If she has that then it is undiagnosed. She says I yelled first which I didnt and that I should respect her. 20 Most Common Mistakes of the Unfaithful Spouse Fear of Being Perceived as Weak Your wife doesn't want to appear weak, so she doesn't accept any blame. I think it is down to simple self-indulgence, juvenile spite and a complete lack of empathy. Criticism,projection basic denigrates me.i work with it i roll with the punches caused i loved her.She would never take ownership or apologise where i would and be patient and supportive of her and my step daughters.So now its happening again 4 weeks ago. TLDR: Wife maybe has borderline personality disorder. We argue a bit more and than eventually get tired sweep it under the rug. Enjoy her company in situations where the faults are not an issue, such as joining her for a cup of coffee instead of meeting at the mall.
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