leaving wife and child guilt

How to Spot and Respond to a Guilt Trip Feeling guilty for wanting divorce can also come from concern you have for your children. Even though I tell him exactly why. I took a chance and have been in my second marriage happily for 16 years now after living with an unhappy person for 15 years. Pain is pain, despair is despairlost is lost for whatever reasons. Your sons and friends will hate you . Work out the financial stuff as well as the emotional. A good therapist can help you navigate the waters and help you become aware of things you may not presently see. Stay interested! My mom was into technology, politics, traveling, church, community service, etc. I was prepared to care for you for the rest of your life even if no one wants you anymore. Last year, I found out that in the entire time Ive known him, we have never once had a monogamous relationship. The difference Ive observed is, good people can and do cross the line, happy people (in their relationships) typically do not. I did everything for that man for 38 years and we lost a child together. Then again, many of us single guys would be very happy if we could only meet one good woman to spend the rest of our lives with. Such real total losers theyre altogether today unfortunately, compared to the good old days when most women were the very complete opposite of today back then. Since I dated & had a few long term relationships before i got married, I can confidently say that these are not sacrifices, this is my way of accepting my spouse for who he is including his past, unconditional. My husband of 38 years left because he says he doesnt love me any more, hes numb. Why I am not planning on leaving an inheritance to my children After working, plodding on the treadmill, picking up the kids, fixing dinner, giving baths and reading books, I'm spent. Why do I feel I need the truth? (to Marc) Well its a little different with your situation where you wanna leave your wife because shes upset with you vs the 32 year married chap. He thinks that by completely devoting himself to our children, that somehow this means that we also have a fantastic relationship. For one, its new. Me and my kids have been through hell and back but are doing okay. Not a fat chance. It took me 6 years of therapy to recognize (and believe) that my wife had a right to move on and be happy. Some here might want me to report that he is miserable & regretful, but he is very happy. Its usually the first thing that draws two people together. It is a temporary high or excitement that fades rapidly. There are some really great people that find themselves in unhappy lifeless marriages and need real stories about how to cope with that. Eventually, I had a courage to tell him that I dont want to continue that affair , and never want to leave my husband, and want to be back in Gods way. Lust as you spoke of can be just as addicting as over eating or drugs. (I can say that as someone whos in the age bracket. I told my husband on numerous occasions I wasnt happy. This man seems almost as bad I only have sympathy for his poor wife who has had to suffer with all this behind his back. Married couples almost universally start off in love and with a sincere desire to remain faithful. I love my wife. Dont do it, You will be very sorry if You really do it. I am finding my way. Whats yours? He and I are together again tho I swore I would never go there again and we are so happy. My grandmother was the loveliest woman I know, devoted to her family, loyal, humble and kind, she always took a backseat for others, especially my grandfather. I felt sorry for her because she is so mixed up. Over time, you may come to realize that despite the marriage ending, youre putting your best foot forward for the sake of the kids. Do you still love him? Of course you feel guilt! If you wish for joy- true joy is from God & occurs in the midst of pain and hard decisions. But should she really be married to a man who is falling in love with other women? I dated the second girl for 7 years without having sex until that night, and after that (being married for 37 years with 5 kids), though we do argue a lot, very much (think about it, 70% of issues in daily marriage conflicts can never be resolved), but we never have any distrust issue in fidelity, Even when I leave the country for 2 or three months. Under the understanding it was all over and done with..which he said was but apparently was not and is still going on! The reason that he said just want to protect me from any harms . Affairs destroy you, your self esteem, all trust, everything you know and loved is now shattered. But he is just a big stupid dork. And God forbid if she wouldve gotten pregnant then. I have been married for 33 years and have been having an emotional affair on and off for 20 years with my first love of almost 40 years ago. And then, the good feeling of tending your own lawn, of getting the job done to completion, the reward of enjoying that crisp drink afterwards. Perhaps youve been deeply hurt or betrayed. Why is falling out of love (read: marriage) suddenly such a big red flag? If there is one thing that is constant in this life, it is that nothing stays the same. My 65 year old best friend is leaving his wife of 35 years. Most women nowadays are very high maintenance, independent, and really dont want us men anymore, very selfish, greedy, spoiled, picky, narcissists, cheaters, since they just cant commit to only one man anymore to begin with, gold diggers, stuck up, and a lot of these very pathetic women today really have a lot of mental problems too. They obviously understand boundaries, yet a high percentage of them will eventually cross the line. And frankly, couples should take care of each other. In my eyes my wife has been unfaithful to me as her husband for well over 15 years now. I have no idea what to do or in which direction to go but sharing with you and hearing most of your views has been very helpful. What makes you think something is missing in his inner self? I think about how much Ive changed even in the last 6 years since my affair. People who are truly happy learn to let go of their attachments. And after a lifetime together she deserves some honesty and a chance! You dont choose who you fall in love with. First you say marriage is a contract, a promise not to be broken failing to acknowledge marriage can be wildly unpredictable. Unless your mutually separating by choice. I see him as being smothering to soulmate at sometime in the future, her giving him the boot and him living in a dingy studio somewhere so he can pay alimony to his exwife. Whoa, that was a big helping of judgement that happens to reveal much more about your own insecurities & demons than it does about a strangers relationship struggle. Choosing to separate leads to divorce guilt, because you have broken the promise of, Til death do us part.. Maybe he wants to practice polyamory? So awful in fact, that it is 2 of the 10 commandments. If you have children, this can mean arranging visits between the children and your in-laws, or keeping them updated on your childrens lives. Im so sick of boys like you. To everyone out there who thinks its ok to leave a long term marriage, 20-30+ years its not ok. People say own your decision, then own it ! Dont turn your back on your spouse and kids. Try to push aside negative stigmas, even if they come from family and friends. There saying there sex-life is important to them, no matter how many ways they try to put a polite spin on it. We are rarely awake in bed at the same time. and I DO from the bottom of my heart. Did you know the divorce rate is higher in second marriages than in first? But what I want to ask everyone and its personal, how can a much older man, say age 50-60 or even older leave for a much younger women? If its boring bad luck, marriage is boring and conservative thats how it should be. Jenny. The point is dont get married too young as you will have your life ruined as mine is, I will never know the pleasure of totally loving a woman or have the gift of a woman ever truly loving me ! How selfish to leave a husband or wife of a 30 year marriage because they found someone newthats pathic. I like to drink pretty much daily as it helps relax me but nothing crazy, Gods honest truth that I dont get drunk and out of hand daily it just helps take the edge off of life so I can sleep at night and I do enjoy it. Im leaving for myself, but eventually I know I will go after the woman whom I love with all my heart. Usually its followed up by getting me some things Ive been needing for so long I just am at a loss to defend myself or be grateful. I would never have wanted an older man. Then concentrate on what to do next with your relationship with your wife and family. Im even prepared to take care of them if they become senile, disabled for you. Didnt the betrayed spouses deserve happiness? At that point in his life, he was blackballed and couldnt get another job. He hired bikes earlier one each for the children and one for him lol! So, I am hurting two people and, contrary to the comments here, I am not a bad person at heart. I told her I loved her five days after I met her. You are not stuck in one place for ever and ever unless you want to be. Then share that with your wife. Put your cards on the table face up. Has been with 3 different women to my knowledge (im sure more). You may also be struggling with getting over the guilt of cheating if your divorce is a result of infidelity. Some couples grow toward each other, others grow apart. U are still going to be hurt! 9. The whole thing practically read like a bad Hallmark movie. But, in my opinion, in divorce proceedings you should be held for adultery and you owe your wife everything she needs to make her later years comfortable. It occurred to me recently that she has cursed at me and verbally abused me every single day for that entire time. Where is this integrity that people used to have? Maybe she was a cold fish, maybe the relationship lacked energy and passion, and mom was pretty much settled in for the long haul banking on that holy marriage and those for long as I live vows, to keep it together. But if you know like I did, that your partner wants to go (deep down you can feel it) but are only staying out of pity for you or obligation & you let them do that? I may not understand completely the consequences of my actions yet but I have grown so tired of not wanting to go home and pretending Im happy. My husband of 31 years, the most stable & level headed guy I know fell in love with someone else. All the naysayers have no idea because they are either happy or are determined to defend marriage. When that is no longer happening in the marriage, the fun is gone, the attraction is gone, its human nature to seek it out somewhere else (perhaps sub-consciously). :). Realize that you might have made some mistakes in your marriage, but you can do better and avoid repeating these mistakes. An unhappy marriage of 18 years that I got out of. I just thought, huh, I must just be the kind of person that doesnt like sex with other people (I had masturbated plenty). So I guess my LONG (so sorry) post is about, really think about what your happiness and marriage is about. My wife would not disagree with any of these statements about myself. I then uncovered all of their text messages and wow, my heart shattered. Guilt is primary among these. The same survey found that 67% of people would rather be alone and happy than remain in an, If you find yourself constantly ruminating over. I think its selfish to tell people to stay with someone they dont want. Good luck. Im told Im still young looking & attractive and can find another man easily but I simply do not have the will to open my heart ever again. Everything is worst case scenario for her, and while our home has happy moments when the kids are all home, it is often filled with negativity. I'm tired of being smothered by my wife trying to prove she loves me, and if I don't do something about it soon, I will lose the opportunity to live the rest of my days in happiness. You owe it to each other to try to work things out. Be inquisitive, respectful and honest with your wife about who you are, what you are going through and what you need, and also listen carefully to who she is, what she needs. And even then, you will have known, sired children with, and still know your perhaps to be ex-wife, for sixty years at that point. He couldnt look me in the eye. If you have a bit of breathing space, you can think more rationally. think of it, if your past is good and peaceful then the present and future will have high probability of the same so you can leave this life with a smile on your face. As I said before, these middle aged men dont dump there middle aged has been wives, for morbidly obese young 25-yr old women with 3rd degree burns and warts on here face. You may click to view our members full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. Some middle aged should have the guts to admit, physical attraction is impotent to them in dating it makes them feel happy being around a women there physically attracted to as opposed to a women they find ugly or plain. I of course lean to the second group. you are taking a huge gamble if you go her route. It is too much. A Texas pastor pleaded guilty to an enhanced charge of possession of child sex abuse images after he admitted . As far as Ready to go situation, Im in the minority here but I would encourage him to go for it. My ex is a police officer and my cops wives friends are dropping like flies. He is domineering to the extreme and a master debater so I am preferring to shut down all contact other than essential comms relating to the children. Hey Ready To Go.you should talk to your lady friend first and see if she is open to what you are thinking about. I want a more meaningful relationship, I want to feel joy and happiness. He never invested fully in us. I have to say this is the most sound advice Ive read on this matter. Its not worth it. Be thankful in all situations, for this is Gods will for you Thessalonians and Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I slowly morphed into someone who became his friend but realized that he took advantage of that so I had to disconnect again. This comment has been removed at the request of the original poster. Learn to let go and you will find happiness. I never had the chance to tell him how much I love him and that he is the one I want to have a life with. I mean really a woman flirting with a married man and she knows that!!!! Its that, its new its exciting and its lust driven. She always made sure he had cigarettes, coffee and oreos. Well she is 15years younger than me. Its (only) been five months so early days and in addition nothing has changed other than that he has pulled the pin and exited his married life and no longer lives in our family home. These are very childish and superficial reasons to want a man which is the point Im making. (The more vulnerable mammals feel, the more threat they are likely to perceive.) You have already made the mistake of investing your emotions in another woman that is posing a threat to 30 years of investment, your honor and legacy. I think the feeling is mutual although she would not admit to it on her side. Thank you Goodtherapy.org for this forum,very useful. Like drinking a beer on a cold day after mowing the lawn. Why Do Fathers Feel Guilty? Oh and freedom is a gift you say, so you saying freedom to chase what you truly want, young beautiful women it seems is something some middle-aged men really want. I would like to know there is hope for me too. Work all the legal and emotional stuff out. Rose had his back. I have no hope, or will to go on. you are not to blame for only being human. you may wake up at night calling out this womans name. On to more, have you really thought of the consequences? By saying things like, youve talked a lot today, or just rolling her eyes and interrupting me with some nonsensical observation. I have faced some childhood hurts from my own parents divorce and worked with a therapist to heal those parts of myself interestingly a mirror of what went on this past year. While you very well may be in love with this other lady, true love involves honesty and commitment. Take time choosing the right child care for you Whether you are leaving your child in the hands of family or non-relatives, make sure you feel confident in your choice by researching your chosen caregiver carefully. As women need to be paid attention to, men should be paid attention to also. He has exchanged his old family- for a new one. He is very loyal to his family, and I think fears losing their mutual friends, so hes staying to keep the peace. Your wife has lived with you through the good and the bad, how will this new relationship pan out? And many men divorce coz they realise all they want to be is a serial womaniser with younger women, and are not cut out for faithful/commited relationships. Then, it is a dark cave that will suck you in and you will feel like you dont know the way out. by exercising, doing an activity you enjoy, and preparing healthy meals. And why she needs to keep you feeling like a failure & walking on eggshells. YOU deserve it! EVERYone is responsible for their OWN happiness. Ive known him since I was 15 and married at 18. MEN take care of their responsibilities and their families. I am like others I've read here. She says she loves me but isnt sure what she needs to be happy, now the only reason she communicates with me is to ask for money. She has her own ncome. My ex-wife took it harder than I expected my impression in the last decade of my first marriage was that we were both just tolerating each other & had resigned ourselves to accepting life had dealt us a terrible hand & we would just live out a bleak, emotionally desolate existence. It will hurt but so did childbirth I got a miracle from it though! The saddest to me, are the ones that cave to the pressure, and are not truly happy and never will be. Give yourself time and space to breathe Some people simply process better when journaling their thoughts, as opposed to discussing them aloud. Over the last year she has complained that I keep DOING THINGS such as remodeling, filling her car up with gas (because she complains about having to do it), cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc. Not saying it is right, but why does society judge people who want to leave their spouse? Do I like seeing my ex wife loving life? Even though unrelated to your partners betrayal, these will prevent healing and growth, if ignored, explained away, or blamed. This is what happens when peoples purpose in life is to focus on themselves. All I want is for my wife to come back to me and love me more. If you leave, it needs to be because together you are making each other miserable and thats not good for the kids. That moment is now just a memory of happiness. Understandably. Don't let marriage guilt paralyze you. This man is strange to me and I just want to hear from some people to know what they think. I dont believe his story. He has one daughter that wants nothing to do with him, another daughter that puts up with him because she feels sorry for him, two parents-in-law that loved him that dont speak to him and many friends that have changed their opinions of him. Do the right thing and file for divorce first. He is moving on for himself. Make a list of pros to staying married and cons to staying marriedthat may help you get some clarity. Yet, I cannot bear to bring pain upon my wife in her later years of life, nor to hurt my kids. All of these things can teach you what not to do in the future, which ultimately helps you to learn how to have happier relationships moving forward. If not, then its something you must carry on your own and not give to others who dont need it! My views on a lot of things has changed, like my social views on things like homosexuality and my religious views have softened. everyone needs healing from the break-up including you. You do not have an easy choice to make in this situation, and I would encourage you to seek out someone to talk with you about this. But nothing has changed. However I do not possess the religious beliefs that you do so Im not of the mind that God judges me. Maybe youre not comfortable discussing your thoughts with anyone, but you might be able to release some of your guilt if you put your thoughts into writing. We have no children and have not been intimate for many years (not that I havent tried). This was such a hard thing for me to do. I mean I dont think the level of psycho can be described All I know is I want out, I want to be on my own for a while and do the things I want to do myself that my wife refuses to do. These are the attitudes that generally keep couples close to each other. Dont use women, you should have been honest with your wife so that she would have had options before this mess started. Weighing in on this conversation The purpose of the following exercise is to discover the guilt that may lurk beneath your anger and resentment. Then the next day, 1st man started to threat me more , and Boom !!! If the child internalizes the guilt and takes responsibility for their parent's feelings, a guilt trip may successfully bring a child home to visit or call . Sorry for spelling/typos. You wouldnt win a do gooder award anytime soon, and what would the neighbours think? This guy that wants to leave his wife after 32 years just isnt playing with a full deck at all to begin with. I said we need to talk because I cant take this any more. But I kept repeating 2 mantras during that time. Guilt After Betrayal | Psychology Today Which came first, sex or the institution of marriage? He has relapsed twice. You will be happier in the long run. And there are many of us good single men that were really hoping to meet the right good woman to settle down with, but werent lucky at all. Eveville, At first when I read your post I thought you made such great points. Will a couple of years of excitement be worth all the headaches that will come in the future? He is determined to make it work and believes she is his forever girl. Its all new now.but the fantasy ends and reality eventually surfaces. Maybe she abuses him and hes not saying that. It is a huge risk to be in that kind of relationship. My relationship which was both our second & exit has been beautiful. Guys, just dont argue with people around you.
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